And then there was Today...

Last night I cried. And cried. And cried some more.

I cried because Graham wants to play like other little kids

I cried because I don't know if either of my boys will ever have a real friend

I cried because I'm not sure if the boys will ever know a lover’s sweet kiss

I cried because I am unsure if my boys will ever speak

I cried because I don't want to make decisions about medications vs side effects

I cried because I don't want to use words like attorneys and special needs planning

I cried because I’ll never know how much will be enough to care for these boys when we’re no longer here (x2)

I cried because I lost part of my identity when I stopped working

I cried because Graham covered his ears and cried at a party but stared sadly at the other kids wanting to play

I cried because Reid chews on everything in sight

I cried because I'm not the same person I used to be

I cried because I miss my Dad and wish he were here with us

I cried because I won't be able to protect my boys from everything and everyone

I cried because someday I won't be able to be there for them

…Last night I cried until there were no tears left to cry

But today I smiled

I smiled because it was a beautiful day

I smiled because I can see the look on Graham's clever face when he's found his hidden iPad

I smiled listening to my dog snoring peacefully under the covers curled up behind my knees

I smiled as I watched Reid suck his thumb contentedly

I smiled when Graham asked for "I want tickle shoulders" with his talker for the thousandth time

I smiled when Reid pointed out all of the animals he has learned in the book we were reading

I smiled when Graham wanted to help me clean the dishes

I smiled when my boys were chasing one another and giggling to the point of hysterics

I smiled when I thought Reid couldn't possibly eat more of my meatballs ...but then signed for more

I smiled when my husband took the boys so I could sleep in

I smiled when a woman at the store told me I looked beautiful and asked when my baby was due

I smiled thinking about our upcoming family vacations

I smiled when my husband hugged me and I breathed in his familiar scent

I smiled because my boys look me right in the eye and I can see how much they love me

I smiled because we have an amazing support system across family, friends, therapists and our community.

I smiled because I lived to see another glorious day on this earth

I smiled because we are all healthy

…Today I smiled